I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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