I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
