Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
