U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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