Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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