we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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