If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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