we have pet lesbian snakes
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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