I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
