U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize