I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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