you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize