btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
