my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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