I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
