she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
