I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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