guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
