Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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