I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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