At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
