Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
