I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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