i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
