My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
