...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
