Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
