if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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