Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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