Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
