omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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