I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
