there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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