there's paper in my vomit.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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