Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
