Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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