I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
