you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize