dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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