I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
