No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
