According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
