Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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