i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
They are going to name an STD after you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
