I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize