I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
