Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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