Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
