I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
