Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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