Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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