Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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