i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize