I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
