i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
