Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
