Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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