My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i believe in u and ur pee
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
