im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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