I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
