The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
