Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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