Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
